Original title card from a WJBK Sagebrush Shorty Show


 Ted Lloyd, in addition to being a top-notch ventriloquist, was also a very talented writer. When Lloyd passed away he left behind a trunk full of original radio plays, poetry, songs, stories and comedy routines.

 Here is a portion of a sketch that Lloyd performed with his ventricular partner Skinny Dugan in nightclubs every St. Patrick's Day. Lloyd had green velvet suits custom made for both himself and Dugan just for the occasion.

DUGAN:                   (Singing a parody to the tune of “McNamara’s Band.”……)

                                    Oh, my name is Skinny Dugan           

                                    I’m a leprechaun, ‘tis true;

                                   And you may try to catch me

                                   To grant a wish for you;

                                   But I’m here and I’m there

                                    And I’m everywhere,

                                   To catch me, you may try

                                   But lay one hand on me

                                   And I’ll punch you in the eye!

TED:                         You’re no leprechaun.

DUGAN:                  Be careful, or you’ll get no pot at the end of the rainbow!

TED:                         You’d leave me no pot?

DUGAN:                   If I did, you wouldn’t like what was in it.

TED:                        Isuppose it would be empty.

DUGAN:                   Oh, no, it would have something in it, all right. A big, fat                          


TED:                         A crack?   

DUGAN:                   Yeah, then it would fit you,- a crack pot!

  TED:                        I’ll bet you don’t even know any real Irish songs.

DUGAN:                  Of course I do.  I know ‘em all.

TED:                         Do you know Molly Malone?

DUGAN:                   Why of course, she’s an old friend.  I saw her just yesterday 

                                   at the market.

TED:                         I’m speaking of the song.

DUGAN:                   Well, if you want me to sing, I’ve got to tune up first.  (Starts

                                   to make a horrible, warbling-yodeling noise like he’s in pain)


TED:                          It sounds like you’re sick.  Maybe I’d better sing.

DUGAN:                   Then we’ll all get sick.

TED:                         Go on, let’s hear the song; I said foolishly.

DUGAN:                   Here goes.  (Sings to the tune of “Molly Malone.”)

                                    Alive, alive all

                                   Alive, alive all

                                   She has ants and cockroaches

                                   Alive, alive all!

TED:                         Those are not the words.

DUGAN:                   I know, but I didn’t want to say she had Muscles, that

                                   wouldn’t  be nice.

TED:                         I wish you’d be nice and sing a straight song.  How about,   

                                  “I’ll Take You Home, Kathleen?.”

DUGAN:                  Oh, I took her home the other night; she just lives down the


TED:                         I’m sorry I brought it up.

DUGAN:                  She slapped my face.

TED:                         I’m sure you deserved it.  If you don’t straighten up, I’ll do

                                   more than that!

DUGAN:                   I’ll sing.  (Singing to the tune of “I’ll

                                   Take You Home, Kathleen.” )

                                   I’d like to take you home Kathleen

                                   Where we could from the whole world hide;

                                   I’d blow my breath into your ear

                                   Till it comes out the other side!

TED:                         You should be ashamed of yourself.  And you call yourself a

                                   Leprechaun. You don’t even have the right to wear green.

DUGAN:                   I’m glad you’re wearin’ green.

TED:                         Why?

DUGAN:                   It matches your complexion!

TED:                         I think you’re the one who needs a punch in the eye.

DUGAN:                   Yeah, well, don’t mess with me or I’ll put a knot in your


TED:                         I can see you never kissed the blarney stone.

DUGAN:                   Never!  Who wants to kiss an old stone.  I’d rather kiss a girl!

TED:                         You’re impossible!

DUGAN:                  (Starts to sing)  It’s impossible------

TED:                         That’s it! Off you go!

DUGAN:                   (pleading)  No, No, please, I’ll be good! Give me one more

                                   chance. (sings) Just one more chance…  

TED:                         You’ve had too many chances already.

DUGAN:                  Oh, please, I’d like to sing “Over The Rainbow.”

TED:                         Okay, I know I’m crazy but, just one more try.      

DUGAN:                  Oh, thank you….(starts to sing)

                                   Somewhere over the rainbow

                                    There’s a pot of gold

                                   Let’s go look for the thing.  

                                    Before we get too darned old!

  TED:                        Come on now, sing it right.

DUGAN:                  Okay.  (sings)               

                                    Somewhere over the rainbow

                                    Bluebirds fly

 TED:                        Good!

 DUGAN:                  (continues singing)                                       

                                    If you look up and see them

                                   You’ll get it in the eye!


Note:                        At this point they thank everyone for being such a good

                                   audience and wind up with a chorus of, “When Irish Eyes

                                   Are Smiling.”  Ted sings a few bars, then Dugan sings a few

                                   bars, back and forth.