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Original title card from a WJBK Sagebrush Shorty Show
Ted Lloyd, in addition to being a top-notch ventriloquist, was also a very talented writer. When Lloyd passed away he left behind a trunk full of original radio plays, poetry, songs, stories and comedy routines.
Here is a portion of a sketch that Lloyd performed with his ventricular partner Skinny Dugan in nightclubs every St. Patrick's Day. Lloyd had green velvet suits custom made for both himself and Dugan just for the occasion.
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DUGAN:
(Singing a parody to the tune of “McNamara’s Band.”……)
Oh, my name is Skinny Dugan
I’m a leprechaun, ‘tis true;
And you may try to catch me
To grant a wish for you;
But I’m here and I’m there
And I’m everywhere,
To catch me, you may try
But lay one hand on me
And I’ll punch you in the eye!
TED:
You’re no leprechaun.
DUGAN:
Be careful, or you’ll get no pot at the end of the rainbow!
TED:
You’d leave me no pot?
DUGAN:
If I did, you wouldn’t like what was in it.
TED:
Isuppose it would be empty.
DUGAN:
Oh, no, it would have something in it, all right. A big, fat
crack.
TED:
A crack?
DUGAN:
Yeah, then it would fit you,- a crack pot!
TED:
I’ll bet you don’t even know any real Irish songs.
DUGAN:
Of course I do. I know ‘em
all.
TED:
Do you know Molly Malone?
DUGAN:
Why of course, she’s an old friend.
I saw her just yesterday
at the market.
TED:
I’m speaking of the song.
DUGAN:
Well, if you want me to sing, I’ve got to tune up first.
(Starts
to make a horrible, warbling-yodeling noise like he’s in pain)
Oooooooooooooo…….
TED:
It sounds like you’re sick. Maybe
I’d better sing.
DUGAN:
Then we’ll all get sick.
TED:
Go on, let’s hear the song; I said foolishly.
DUGAN:
Here goes. (Sings to the tune of “Molly Malone.”)
Alive, alive all
Alive, alive all
She has ants and cockroaches
Alive, alive all!
TED:
Those are not the words.
DUGAN:
I know, but I didn’t want to say she had Muscles, that
wouldn’t be nice.
TED:
I wish you’d be nice and sing a straight song.
How about,
“I’ll Take You Home, Kathleen?.”
DUGAN:
Oh, I took her home the other night; she just lives down the
street.
TED:
I’m sorry I brought it up.
DUGAN:
She slapped my face.
TED:
I’m sure you deserved it. If
you don’t straighten up, I’ll do
more than that!
DUGAN:
I’ll sing. (Singing to the tune of “I’ll
Take You Home, Kathleen.” )
Where we could from the whole world hide;
I’d blow my breath into your ear
Till it comes out the other side!
TED:
You should be ashamed of yourself. And
you call yourself a
Leprechaun. You don’t even have the right to wear green.
DUGAN:
I’m glad you’re wearin’ green.
TED:
Why?
DUGAN:
It matches your complexion!
TED:
I think you’re the one who needs a punch in the eye.
DUGAN:
Yeah, well, don’t mess with me or I’ll put a knot in your
shorts.
TED:
I can see you never kissed the blarney stone.
DUGAN:
Never! Who wants to kiss an
old stone. I’d rather kiss a
girl!
TED:
You’re impossible!
DUGAN:
(Starts to sing) It’s
impossible------
TED:
That’s it! Off you go!
DUGAN:
(pleading) No, No, please, I’ll be good! Give me one more
chance. (sings) Just one more chance…
TED:
You’ve had too many chances already.
DUGAN:
Oh, please, I’d like to sing “Over The Rainbow.”
TED:
Okay, I know I’m crazy but, just one more try.
DUGAN:
Oh, thank you….(starts to sing)
Somewhere over the rainbow
There’s a pot of gold
Let’s go look for the thing.
Before we get too darned
old!
TED:
Come on now, sing it right.
DUGAN:
Okay. (sings)
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
TED:
Good!
DUGAN:
(continues singing)
If you look up and see them
You’ll get it in the eye!
Note:
At this point they thank everyone for being such a good
audience and wind up with a chorus of, “When Irish Eyes
Are Smiling.” Ted
sings a few bars, then Dugan sings a few
bars, back and forth.
